


I Can't Decide

by melianthegreat



Series: Evil Genius James May [7]
Category: The Grand Tour (TV) RPF, Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Evil Genius James May, Evil Plans, Silly, World Domination
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:40:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26896828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melianthegreat/pseuds/melianthegreat
Summary: James is getting bored with the routine and finds a way to shake things up.
Series: Evil Genius James May [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1199383
Comments: 3
Kudos: 2





	I Can't Decide

**Author's Note:**

> I found a very dark song called "I Can't Decide" by the Scissor Sisters with a very catchy melody and the silly button was pushed.

An Evil Genius' work is seemingly never done.

All the plans, procuring the materials needed to build a Death Ray, actually building the bastard thing, followed by issuing the threat and the demand, then another threat, and another. All this without two idiots named Jeremy Clarkson and Richard Hammond throwing a wrench into the works in an attempt to make themselves some kind of damned superheroes. Bad enough when they actually try to sneak around and do it, though it's hard for Thunderbird Fat to attempt sneaking. It's more of a delay when the pillocks actually get caught: you have to spray them with knockout spray, then get called an arse for his trouble when they wake up (they think nobody can hear them call him that, but if course those idiots are wrong); there's coming up with an Evil Genius monologue where he ends up telling them all his plans and perhaps even make an offer, followed by the both of them declaring him Batshit and making the obligatory Escape Attempt. They destroy the Death Ray, and then it starts all over again.

Of course those Visigoths went and got themselves bloody caught. Just what he needed, it's not as if he didn't have enough to do by himself-- since the Lockdown started he'd been without his minions (not his fault, honest; it involved an escapedbat and another Evil Genius and an experiment in bio-terror gone wrong, Jeremy and Richard already asked) . Indeed, Thunderbird Fat and Thunderbird Short were breaking about 947 rules for even being here, enough for Health & Safety to completely lose their shit over. At least while they were tied up he could provide them with masks and stay at least six feet away while gloating over them. Then use a load of hand sanitizer when they'd been disposed.

He could see on his monitor the two pillocks were beginning to come around from the knockout spray. It was time to go mess with them, and boy, did he ever have an idea on what to do this time, a way to rattle them so badly once they got free and escaped they'd stay away for good. This was the last Death Ray they were going to destroy.

Jeremy and Richard were still groggy and tied up in the middle of the floor. Before they became fully awake he slipped masks over their noses and mouths and adjusted them. Jeremy was the first to completely become aware of where he was, and that James was sitting in a chair at least six feet away watching them silently. "May! You arse," he grumbled. "What are you doing?" 

That was a pretty typical opening. James' response wasn't typical. Instead, he decided to sing:

_I can't decide whether you should live or die.  
Oh, you'll probably go to heaven,  
Please don't hang your head and cry,  
Don't wonder why my heart is dead inside,  
It's cold and hard and petrified.  
Lock the doors and close the blinds,  
We're going for a ride. _

__

__Jeremy stared at him with wide eyes. "Uh...James...." he stammered._ _

__

__"Are you alright, James?" Richard asked, his voice shaking._ _

__

__James grinned. "Now, why would you ask that, Hammond?"_ _

__

__"Well, because this isn't normally the way we address each other when you're....uh...showing this side of yourself, " Richard explained, trying to find the right words so it wouldn't push James more over the edge than he was already._ _

__

__"And what exactly is the 'normal' way we address each other in this circumstance?" James asked. "I tell you my plans for world domination, give one or both of you an offer to join me, then you distract me while you get loose and bash my Death Ray with a hammer? I'm bored with that. So I'm trying to think of a way to just kill both you pillocks, or if I really want to do that." And with that he began singing again._ _

__

___Oh I could throw you in the lake  
Or feed you poisoned birthday cake,  
I won't deny I'm gonna miss you when you're gone.  
Oh, I could bury you alive,  
But you might crawl out with a knife  
And kill me when I'm sleeping.  
That's why  
I can't decide whether you should live or die..._ __

____

__

____

As James launched back into a repeat of the chorus, Jeremy muttered, "He's finally gone absolutely, irredeemably Batshit."

_____ _

__

_____ _

__"I agree," Richard replied. "And I have my hands free. Let's finish politely watching the floor show, then bash the Death Ray with a hammer and get the hell out of here." Richard pulled the ropes away, continued to smile politely at James while he untied Jeremy, then they grabbed the hammer James left sitting conveniently on a nearby work table and took off._ _

_____ _

__

_____ _

__Several feet away, while James was reprising the opening verse, complete with straw hat and cane, he heard the familiar CLANG! CLANG! **Bzzzzzzz!** OW, SHIT!! MAY, YOU ARSE!! when Jeremy bashed the Death Ray and encountered the booby trap he'd installed; you'd think after about the 58th time Clarkson triggered the booby trap he'd learn, but no._ _

_____ _

__

_____ _

__When Richard and Jeremy managed to escape the Evil Genius shed, neither could believe James had done what he'd done. "Hammond, I'm disappointed," Jeremy panted. "Where was the Evil Genius monologue? The offer for Wales? Setting something on fire?"_ _

_____ _

__

_____ _

__"I know," Richard agreed. "Do you suppose James has really gone Batshit? Or is he simply bored?"_ _

_____ _

__

_____ _

__Jeremy shrugged and let out a sigh. "This pandemic has everything screwed up," he said sadly. "Come on, back to the Merc." He patted his pockets. "Uh oh."_ _

_____ _

__

_____ _

__"What?"_ _

_____ _

__

_____ _

__Jeremy looked at Richard sheepishly. "I dropped the keys," he said._ _

_____ _

__

_____ _

__"Really?" Richard replied, arching an eyebrow. "Okay, so we'll have the Cockmobile towed."_ _

_____ _

__

_____ _

__"Are you Batshit too, Hammond?" Jeremy spluttered. "Tow services cost a fortune! Might as well purchase our own Hollowed Out Volcano and start building Death Rays ourselves to raise the dosh."_ _

_____ _

__

_____ _

__"Well you just can't leave it parked on the street in Hammersmith," Richard argued. "If it isn't nicked, it will be towed."_ _

_____ _

__

_____ _

__"There's only one alternative," Jeremy heroically offered. "And that's to back in there."_ _

_____ _

__

_____ _

__But before Jeremy could take a step toward the door of the Evil Genius shed, James appeared in the doorway. He was twirling the keyring around his finger and singing:_ _

_____ _

__

_____ _

___I can't decide whether you should live or die...._ _ _

_____ _

__

_____ _

__Jeremy snatched the keys and he and Richard ran._ _

_____ _

__

_____ _


End file.
